When I wake in the middle of the night, I don’t quite know what to do with this gift of my life, this mountain that’s too big, this clash of the mighty opposites calling me out beyond the everyday world. Then I see, with a kind of pleasure and relief, that a part of me I can trust is calling me down there. It’s supposed to be intense. It is intense, this change that’s sweeping around me and around us. It calls me down and down. For a long time I used to be afraid of it. I thought about down but I wouldn’t go and I fought it moment to moment in a long drawn out guerilla war.
I don’t feel afraid now, more ready for whatever’s coming. I see my hard times as an apprenticeship with an exacting Master who won’t take bullshit for an answer. Same with a friend who was in the hard times with me. We’re coming through.
So there in the night, turning toward the challenge and with something like awe there as I do, I see there’s a part of me that knows what it wants, that always did. It isn’t interested in my rebellion or my laments. It isn’t nice and it doesn’t really care what I think. And I like to know there’s a part of me that knows what it wants, that I’m not the boss of. It has the agenda, or if it’s some me that has it, I’m also the guy who complained and bitched and cried “why me.”
I used to be ashamed of this rebellion of mine, trying to make sure that no one could see how I felt. I was anxious and wandered into territories that people typically take pills for. I didn’t take pills or consult doctors because I didn’t want to give a pill company credit for my soul. I also imagined I was in the deeper end of the pool than the doctor was, beyond help. Whatever’s good that’s come from all this hasn’t come from succeeding but from repeated failure.
So now, though big challenges are coming to us all and a spiritual battle, I don’t feel so much afraid or anxious. It’s much bigger than me, bigger than us and it’s the way it’s supposed to be. Greater arms hold us and it’s alright.
Dear Reader, I’m feeling inspired to share more frequent but shorter pieces, allowing the personal voice freer rein to find its way. I’m not so much interested in what’s going on out there but in what’s going on in here about what’s going on out there. Thanks for reading. I’m interested in hearing what your voice is saying. The future is a chorus not a monologue.
This resonates with me, Andrew. It has a lovely 3 am vibe like the idea and thoughts and spilling freely out. Thank you.
"I didn’t want to give a pill company credit for my soul." This line really jumped out at me.
Andrew, thank you.
I'm not sure I truely understand what you mean but I love the way you are saying it. And I think I get the gist of it.
I too am on a journey - a journey approaching 83 years.
Still wanting to, trying to, busting my gut at times, to make myself a better person, and give more of my true-self to the world. The more loving, understanding human being we all are within our soul. Connecting with and using the inner wisdom and common sense we are each born with - men, women and those that are a mixture of both.
You and I have shared some of our respective journey's and thank you for that as well.
Warmly ... John