We don’t often hear the voices of conscious men, men speaking as men. As a class men have often been silent after the idea of patriarchal oppression of women by men became the socially dominant view, after it became really the only one that a man (or a woman) could say without getting intense pushback and shame.
Many men over the last 70 years have never heard men speak up for themselves as men, or even imagined the concept. Nor have young men or women but they can’t hear what men don’t say.
I’ll be doing my best to speak to the situation of men and the challenge facing us. The connective tissue between men and between men and women isn’t as strong as it used to be and has been deteriorating for generations. I think we’ve lost much of the traditional sense of men’s agency and good place in the world and we’re the worse off for it.
Here’s a high-level intro to the inner life of men as I see it; it’s an overview and sketch of what’s possible. Although I’ve presented this before, I’m offering it now as a backgrounder to the story I’ll be developing regularly over the next months, about two posts per week. I invite men, young men, and women to join me and help it touch many others.
Male psychology is different from female psychology. This may seem obvious but it’s not well known. The popular conventional view, though not expressed like this, is that our two psychologies are the same but the men are just not quite as good at it and psychological assistance can help them be better. The entire therapy industry, the experts, drive on that side of the road. A single but telling case in point: The American Psychological Association in its guidelines for health practitioners states that traditional masculinity is on the whole harmful. Unstated but present is that the feminine style of personal work and psychic health - one strongly based on feelings - is natural and appropriate for men too, if they’d just get with the program. Men would be better people, and we’d all be better off if men were more like women.
But what’s the alternative? Can we even imagine one? In a nutshell it’s stepping back to a healthy detachment, looking objectively at our story and making conscious choices about what to do. This is the old school traditional masculine pathway. It’s resonant with stoicism. It’s also resonant with Christianity and the mindset that has built the modern world and the institutions in it that have brought us this far. It’s arguably a central part of mindfulness and prayer. It also has a lot to do with adulthood.
Many or most of us have never heard of stepping back from the issue and taking a third person perspective. They don’t know it’s a possibility. This option, if it’s mentioned at all, is often construed as avoidance and failure to go deep.
As distinct from the APA evaluation, the rational evaluative approach is a traditional strength, “feels” good and works.
(Picture by Signe Ruddy)
Here we come to a more deeply buried perspective.The traditional strength of men requires a coherent social structure to succeed. Young men don’t naturally grow into it absent an ecosystem of respect and welcome, a psychological initiation. Most young men have never imagined such a thing.
Practically speaking, men need an ecosystem in which they can find mutual respect and approval for themselves. They also need a clear structure in which they can be loved by women. Western culture doesn’t provide these pathways to men and boys - and it doesn’t know that it doesn’t.
What do men miss? The beating heart of masculine psychology is honor and self-respect. At present, the social underpinnings of honor and self-respect are not visible to men and boys, aren’t on the radar. They’ve grown up being told by the shape of their education and the invisible and visible messages they receive that they’re completely on their own.
A man needs a path to honor and respect. This includes having an inspiring vision and a sense that he has values he cares about and won’t abandon. Traditionally it’s meant a trust and surrender to a greater unity. An inspiring and honest inner picture of where he now is and where his destiny lies is his foundation.
Here’s a difficult and seldom seen fork in the road. The desire to be approved of by women and belong is so primary and strong in men that they often can’t hear or recognize the value of healthy detachment. Traditional cultures accommodated for this. Ours doesn’t.
While many men succeed in spite of these difficulties, the social invisibility and misunderstanding of men's perspective is a challenge in all men's lives. Many fall through the cracks as the suicide rates and declining achievement attest. Most men don’t see the landscape in which masculine and feminine psychologies are playing out. Most helpers, like the aforementioned and well-intentioned people at the APA, don’t see it well either.
Without narrative clarity, a map to his social and political position, men doing “inner work” may deepen, or mask, a sense of not being good enough. They’re at risk of imagining he needs fixing to be more like women. He’ll blame himself for his disconnection.
Men who are very feeling oriented are often that way dysfunctionally - it may have helped them in the past, for example to get along with mother or, as an adult, to impress women.
Men are very good at feelings. Think Chopin, think Shakespeare, think Jesus, think Martin Luther King. Men’s natural expression is wise in feelings and this natural wisdom is expressed in a masculine way.
When a man sees what he needs to do, he can join with others doing that too. His deep feeling work often looks like honesty and standing for something. Men are like the other men; they’re not like the women. They do well when they stand with the men. Connecting with other men greatly speeds up and deepen their personal learning and maturity.
Men who feel their value and self-respect powerfully can engage powerfully with the world. They feel good being alive, even when it’s hard and they screw up. They’re vital to their children and partners.
Society and the world are in a time of crisis and transition. Men’s courage and warriorship, their willingness to risk and serve higher value are needed for the future.
The future involves an awakening of conscious men and a new covenant with women.
Andrew, my friend, you are expressing your peronal reality, which is not remotely the reality of most men - certainly the men I coach, cousel and mentor and come in contact with daily - men from all walks of life - rich and poor - employed and unemployed - educated and uneducated - aware and unaware.
Your current philosophy encourages men (or boys) with a victim mentality to take solice in a view that they have in common with you.
And you're not providing a solution, just digging the hole deeper from which you and they see the world.
Warmly ... John
Andrew, I believe you are expressing a true dilemma that face young men and older ones too, in these times. According to my husband of many years, its always been confusing for men as to what women want and the chaos of these times, have only made it more so. I believe the aggressive feminist movement have not honored the differences between how men's minds work and women's. Thank You for bravely addressing this topic.
https://youtu.be/pf6dl3DkXSg